Enough already.

DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

Arrived at deurali at 3200m. Fuck guys it was not a long walk today but after lunch I felt all my power disappearing. I felt like I had nothing to eat but bread. Food was lacking and I are getting pissed. Serves of a crappy take of western food appearing day after day, but my own belly and the family around me killing for nepali food. Dhal bhart where are you?

One of the things im looking forward to in coming home is not having any expectation on you. At all. I have been sitting in a powerful reflection pondering the great expectation we can have on eachother. Especially with those closest to us. Our families, our loved ones, our friends. Maybe this is never you, but it has certainly been me, at times anyway. Reflecting on my own experience this past few months has lead me to look at how we as humans when we are unhappy in our ownselves tend to expect more. I have seen this in myself lately, expecting others to do something for me, or give me something more, without realising I want them to fill whatever is lacking inside me. And when they are not fullfilling me in the way I am expecting them too, insecurities begin to grow and fester. The love for myself becoming lesser and lesser, the empty hole getting bigger and bigger. I should know by now that if Im walking around thinking, I need more hugs, why arent I getting hugs, I am probably sitting in a lack of my own self worth. When I love myself, I am full and there is nothing I need from anyone.
So yay to loving self and knowing that the feeling of lacking for me, is growing from not loving myself. They key now is to notice it happening before I run around telling everyone they arent giving me enough!!! hahahah

Blessed. Truly

I was sitting quietly reading, freezing again in our teahouse, when my family came in. Feeling blessed with this team and this lot will be my last. Yep thats right my last. And why I feel so strongly about that next step for me is becuase of the wonderful conversation we have just been having. Most days we find ourselves deep in conversation talking about all different topics of the world. These kids eyes are open to the world arouund them. Quite often the kids I have at this age are too into their own world to consider whats happening around them. Tonight our topic was the porters and kitchen staff here on our annapura trek. We look out the window, of our teahouse and our staff are no where to be seen. After five days of trekking we know where they are, in the kitchen, busy cleaning and cooking for us. Our conversation turns to what we perceive their lives to be, what their life might be like at home, how old they are, what access to education they have, how they make our trip easier, our experience more memorable, and all the little things they do to try to make our days more comfortable. Like giving us a cup of tea at 6 am in our tent!! Just a few hours ago we passed our porters along the way. Now days the rules of how much they can carry of our gear has changed, but still they are loaded in a way that makes all my kids question and reflect on their own lives. What choices do they have? This conversation taking us all a step into our future as we talked of our own dreams and just how accessible they all are. All of them.

Tonight, Im too tired to say what I would like to in words. But i want you to know that this is my last trip with kids here and I have been truly blessed and blown away by the conversations that have passed our lips these past days. I started off years ago with a group who touched my heart and tonight as I snuggle into my sleeping bag I am grateful I am going out with one as well. Imagine a group of students who are open to everything going on around them, seeeing things for how they are, who are mature enough to sit an observe everything and wiwth that reflect back on their own lives and the lives of those around them. To use what they see around them to help them make better choices in their own lives, while others around them may not get the chance or the choice to do so. To seek understanding and growth and how they can be better people, how they can be the best version of themselves and how we can be better for eachother. We have touched every topic and tonight I feel like I have sat with my travelling family and we have all made a differennce in eachothers lives. Hearing them open their hearts has opened my own and I see clearly my own path that has past and the shining path ahead. Tonight I go to bed knowing that I am walking into my future, my new challenges and I am ready. My heart is joyful that so are these kids and all of them! My path here is ready to be put aside while I challenge myself in new and rewarding ways, Im ready to keep growing again to choose a new path and continue to keep being a better version of myself. All because I have the choice to do so, and with that I dont want to miss it. I want to explore other parts of myself and take paths that may not be so easy because I have been given this life. A very lucky life. Thankyou for our conversations of love my family, thankyou for reminding me of who i am and for being you. xoxoxox

Basking in the light

It was a long night. The chill of the night making its way up and down my spine. Impossible to sleep. All my clothes piled on, layers upon layers. My sleeping bag just short of being able to bundle around my neck, leaving a slight breeze entering in. brrrrrrr. As the hours passed so did my positive mind. What started out as a reflection of the days events, evacuating my student and knowing dam well in the begining that I did all I could to help her turned into a maze of critical self evaluation followed shortly by the ugliness of insecurity. I began to doubt my ability to do a good job in the field and as the night disappeared found myself picking apart all areas of my life and just as the sun began to make a peak above the mountains wondered if while I was freezing the man I loved was keeping someone else warm. Gross. Where does this bizarre take on reality come from. A lack of sleep, too many hours laying awake with nothing to do but watch the clock. Only a little down time was ever good for me anyway and certinaly not a long twelve hours. My mind was bound to take me to dark places, after all it had all night to create stories and recreate and recreate. Oh the brilliance of the mind!!
‘Tea, tea’ I heard from our kitchen staff. I was laying in bed, what a waste of a night. I grabbed my tea and layed back pulling up my sleeping bag. I was not ready to move yet. But I didnt have long, fifteen minutes and I had to be up and running. I reflected on my night of crazy stories, fuck, my mind went to crazy places. I grabbed my tea and jumped out of my tent ready to let go of any remaining negative thoughts of the night. Knowing well how distorted they were.
No sooner that I started walking the beautiful Ilka visited me in my mind and in my heart reminding me that I have everything in me, there is nothing outside of me that I dont already have and with that my smile broadened and my heart opened again. I smiled I have all the love and hugs I desire inside me. Everything I think I need from those around me, I remember truly is inside me. I walked in my love, my love of myself and for everything that I am. Its true, I do have everything and throughout the entire day thats all I felt. Have you evver noticed how when you feel love for yourself you dont feel like you are missing anything? and yet when you are experiencing not loving yourself, eerything else around you and in you tells you that you are lacking? The mountains did what I knew they would from the moment I arrived, they showed me again who I am, all of me, my light and my darkness and today I felt my own love for me return in a way that is more powerful than ever before. Today I see everyone around me for who they are, for the beauty that they too are, I feel the love that I have for them without attachment, without my need. Its nice today to know I dont need them, I just love them and want them in my life. All of you.
It has been an interesting chain of events throughout the past eight weeks or so. I have felt a slow loss of love for myself, something I can put down to coming off my meds, spending most of the past six months overseas, and losing all the rituals I had in place to help keep my balance, my usual self care, and time for myself and reflection. Oh and I cant forget not enough potting time!! Leaving me in a wirlwind of life, ups and downs, everything slowly mounting on top of me, unable at times to know how I really feel as I go from one place to another, I want something then I dont, my own fuze for life becoming so short that almost anything that anyone did to annoy me would push me over my own edge… and leaving me feeling like I am lost in the world of living, unable to see if I can actually do it anymore. I get it now, and as with any time of challenge I am thankful. Thankful I can see the light, I am the light. My curiosity and questioning for life and why life goes this way and that for me leaving me again with the answers I need to keep moving forward. Even in my darkness I have never given up, never given up looking for my answers and how I can move forward in my life.
I hadnt really realised in loosing my love of myself lately, I was loosing my love of life, of those around me and it was getting dark and dangerous. Ever so slowly pushing those I love away. Well it feels like that too me anyway. A lack of love for myself, reflecting to me that love for me is not out there.
Now I have all I need and more, again I see where I am heading and I walk taller than ever before. My smile and my light is shining greater than it ever has. My love for life back and Im ready.
Although i still have another nineteen days before I get home, I am more excited than ever about the journey ahead waiting for me. I have new plans, for new challenges and new adventures and Im ready. My love is beaming so watch out, I want to love you like never before. xoxoxoxox

Time to let go

Shit night sleep. For a teahouse located so close to the mountain of early risers I was surprised again at just how much noise it could hold. Music, talking, vommiting, and great big snot balls emerging from someone residing near me kept me awake as well as the chill that rose up and down my spine. When my alarm went off I was far from ready to face the world. Immediatley my questions arose. How was she? Would I be able to carry her up the mountain this morning? Did any of my words help ease her pain? would she find the energy in her heart to find her smile and her strength?. I made my coffee and wondered down to her room. We had just 15 minutes to be ready for our sunrise walk. I found her in bed. He face told me everything. There was not one blood cell in her body that wanted her to walk today. Unsure what else to do at this time of the morning, I pushed to get her up and ready. Again the group was waiting, and if we didnt leave shortly, getting up early for sunrise would have been a complete waste of time. I pushed, knowing I needed to be gentle, but knew I also needed to be firm or she would never move again.
Finally we were up and again tackling the never ending stairs to heaven, sometimes the only way through the nepalese moutains. My own gut did a turn, I was unsure if I would shit my pants or loose last nights dinner. I felt off. Within the first 3 minutes it was clear as she knelt on the stairs, she would not make it anywhere fast. It was time, time for the group to split they deserved it, to make it to the top and for me to find a way to get her to the top. As my teacher was still feeling a little blue but with energy to get to the top I gave him the lead. I had already been witness to the powerful views ahead and there was enough of something flowing through me to know I could stay and try to help her someway.
I walked directly in front, dragging my feet, breathing in between each step to give her a moment to place her own feet where mine had been. ‘i am strong, with every step i take i get stronger’ my mantra over and over. I put my own head down, I felt defeated as I looked back to see her sitting down back where we first began. How was I going to do this? I had done this before many times, carried kids where they needed to be carried, but usually eventually anyway they would find their own way to feed the positive in them. For her, she was the walk of death, there was nothing in her vision worth walking for. She could not see life and she was far from seeing her own beauty.
It was a long hard morning. What should have taken 45 minutes took us 3 hours. By the time we reached the top where our team waited the sun had long risen. But we had made it, she had made it.
I ran to the otherside of the viewing area to take a moment to breathe. There was no way I could do this and after my sudden low in previous days there was no way I was going to. Two weeks of walking and my fear of another low was enough to show me I needed to put myself first. Afterall, I still had my family of eight other kids to take care of. Not long after as our group waited to get moving onto the next part of our trip the young lady announced that she would not walk any longer. When I knew there was no other way, the plans for evacuation began.

The power of distraction

She could barely lift her legs, her body was limp. My student. It was as though her soul had left her body, at only the sweet young age of 16. She was left her to find what little energy she could to make it up the next step. We were surrounded by the himalyan energy the most uplifting of all mountains and yet it was too much for her and with every few steps she would stop. Bending down I looked into her eyes, they are blank. Her soul is crying for help, I can feel her. Her pain is in my gut. After years of learning to observe my own journey through its ups and downs I have learnt to feel those around me, espeically as I hike for days out in the wilderness with a group of teens. Knowing my own energy was lacking I couldn’t help myself but look into her eyes and wish for some of my own power to fill her, to help her move foward. As I looked into her eyes I shared a simple mantra to help her connect to her mind, ‘I am strong, getting stronger with every step I take, I am strong, getting stronger with every step’ I repeated to her. She looked at me blankly and replied ‘no, I can’t’. She looked as though she would fall. As the rest of the group waited patiently ahead eventually she would find the strength to take a few steps but again would fall. She was falling hard and my instinct told me there was so much more going on than just not eating enough, struggling with fitness for the ‘nepalie flat walking’. If you have ever experienced the nepalese mountains you will remember how straight up and down the rocky stairs are. I was walking slower than a snail. My energy barely there. Every few moments directing it to her encouraging her to take a step…’it does get easier, talk yourself into it’. But as the day dragged on, and our team spent so much of their time waiting I knew it was time to dig deep. I questioned her mind, what was going on in there, something was draining her terribly. After spending a litttle time talking to her about my own difficult experiences in life for the first time she looked up at me and I’m sure I saw a flicker in her eyes. Before I knew it she was disclosing stuff that no kid should have on her own shoulders. She had just spent the past two weeks in daily therapy being diagnosed with clinical depression. She was holding the world on her shoulders with no one to share it with. As she talked I felt my own experiences come to life, fuck she had had an abortion just before she came on trek. My own heart connecting to the experience we have both shared and the pain that she carries. Listening to her I felt my own heart bleeding for what she was going through. The list was building. Her heart aching. We spent the rest of the day with her arm linked in mine, me lifting her up with every step. I dont know where my energy came from but im guessing it was the universe responding to our need as the only thing she wanted to do was to lay on the side of the path and never wake up. Fuck today was tough. I had to be her strength, and my own. I dragged her all the way to camp, arriving on dark. I had nothing left and the moment I saw my teacher all I could do was nod and mouth ‘we need to talk’. There was no way I could carry the load this girl handed to me. I opened my own heart with him and felt tears in my own eyes as my own past pain surfaced again. After all these years it was still there and as he put his arms around in comfort we both stood in silence knowing we were about to walk ahead into one difficult journey with no idea of how we would navigate it. Shortly after the poor dude was as pale as a ghost, it was coming out both ends and so Isent him ooff to bed while the rest of the kids and I sat staring at eachother over our dinner. We were all exhausted with not much to say. With our vommiting kids and teacher tucked in bed, I made my last call to check on her and found her fast asleep. Thankful I tucked myself into my own bed just as the teahouse livened up and threatened to keep me awake all night. I begged for sleep to take over me as I tried to keep myself curled up and warm. I fell asleep unsure of what my next day would bring an unsure I was ready to face it.

A new day

We are a few hours into our hike and although my head is still exhausted the worst is behind me. Thankful to be walking, we had our first glimpse of the himilayas. I want to be close to their energy, I want to be the mountain standing tall and strong, its roots going all the way to the core of the earth. Strong, I want to be strong. I can smile a little today. But I am reminded of how tough it is. My lack of words remind me im still not in the clear. The compete blackness that takes over. I become someone else and it scares me. I am frightened of the person I become, of the little control I have. In the moments leading up to crashing, I had been fine. Spent the day out with my beautiful team, riding the crazy streets of Pokhrar. I was so proud of them, two of the girls werent bike riders and yet just showing how incredible they were were happy to put their fears aside and accept the challenge anyway. We had just spent hours riding through crazy streets, loosing a back wheel, breaking chains, changing bikes but thankfully making it to every destination safely. The girls emotional as they confronted their fears. There were tears yes, but they did it. We finished and the kids were keen to head straight out to go canoing. I looked at the time we had an hour an a half to be back for our next meeting an it was already another day almost behind us. The thought of racing out to canoe around a lake was tiring in itself, doing it would send me straight into exhaustion for sure. Spreading things out and getting time for myself was the key to surviving these trips. Already almost impossible to create. I tried to manipulate the team towards heading back as I felt my head and my body. I was tired. Thankful we didnt take the canoing option we went home and I waited paitently for the kids to meet for our meeting. 10 minutes later no one turned up. What was happening? I felt myself start to boil a little, my short fuze suddenly appearing from nowhere. My first sign I was heading somewhere and not to the place of joy. I found them in their rooms working away, getting everything done that was needed. They were legends and yet I was frustrated with them as I had somehow missed that piece of information. How did I miss we were meeting a little later on? Another sign my head was shutting down. I had earlier been hoping to get the chance to call Reuben and looked at the time back in aus. already it was 9pm. I was feeling overwelmed. I did say I would l call this afternoon but already our day had gone. And it disappeared so quickly. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about. I felt full in my own head, needed desperately for a little space in my mind that I could have just for me. Even though I was desperate for some time out from everybody I still found myself running upstairs instead to give him a call. I probably should have left it, my head full and yet for me I knew it meant alot to him to make contact. But already in just the first week so many parts of myself I was putting aside as the days went by, full of my students and the needs off the team. The days just disappear so quickly and there is always so much happening. It was so hard to run it any other way, the first week was about setting our month up and I always felt it was important and necessary to be a part of it with my team. Building our month together. Getting to know eachother. My head was empty, and I was unable to unload anything I wanted to share with him. I was feeling empty, a blank canvas and I should have seen this again as a sign I was about to fall a mile. What I really wanted in this moment was to pull him through the computer screen and snuggle into him and slowly share all the reflection and ideas I had been thinking about since I left. With my lack of brain power and unable to get out what I needed to say I could see that what I was needing was to stop thinking about my love and everyone else. This trip was going brilliantly, the kids were fucking awesome doing everything right, working so well together, communicating, and yet there was nothing I could do to stop the feeling the exhaustion was about to take over.
The need to keep up, so many things to do, kept me moving forward. My presence a little in the future. If I was to be present entirely in this moment I knew exactly what was going on. I was watching it, observing myself but not being truthful to myself. If I was being true to myself what would I do, this trip as with many before I have found myself getting to the end of everyday, totally pooped. I really did look at my day and think how can I change this, get more time for myself. But it was near impossible.
I headed back out to meet our guide and the team for yet another meeting. I introduced myself again and felt my stare. Oh shit. On any normal day I love to look at someone and share to be in the conversation, but when I find myself staring at someone I know that soon I am also about to loose all my words. Their own words I can hear but I cant make out really what they are saying. This is the place where shame begins to grow. If I could move myself through something it would be to let go of the shame I feel as I fall into that state. It has always been difficult that the change occurs so quickly, the process taking me from being one person who is out there in the light to the person who suddenly finds themselves in the darknesss.
I knew this meeting needed to be over with quickly. I was beginning to feel myself disappear into the walls around me. I had so much to explain to the kids, leading up to our trekking phase of expedition life but I could see the beginning of the end. My words disappearing. Starring, unable to get anything out. Its like I can see my words floating around in the sky around me and yet I cannot catch them to use them. I could hear the kids but the the words were so far away, they too were beginning to disappear. I tried hard to explain what they needed to pack, using a jumple of words hoping they got the message. The pain of my shame growing. I tried to let it go but the truth is I just feel like a dick, it takes over so suddenly. I feel like I look at people, and I just loose all connection, I cannot remember their names. I feel so distant. Its hard because it is almost sudden. I feel like one person and then, bang another takes over.
I stayed behind to work with the budget crew when suddenly I felt it. I looked at my kids, the spatula tearing its way down my face. My face draining in that very moment. We stared at eachother I was unable to explain the part of the budget we were working on. My words were drifting around in front of me but I couldnt catch them. I felt ill. I knew I needed to escape and quickly. This was happening at an extreme rate compared to the last low down. All I could say to the kids was Im shutting down, seriously exhausted got to get out of here. My teacher came in and I said the same. With little words explaining I had to excuse myself for the night. I wanted to cry. To run, to cry and to hide.
By the time I walked into my room my heart was pounding so hard. I felt this might be the hardest one yet. I was suddenly overwelmed by the mess of my room, remembering the trek due to start the next day. I layed down for a just a moment to find rest for my painful head, tears began to roll down my face. what was I going to do? I was so low. Shut down. How was I going to pack and get it right? And I was scarred. I knew I needed to msg my whatapp group, my loves. I needed to let someone know to let some of this out of me. To know someone was somewhere thinking of me. I just needed someone to tell me it was going to pass, that I would be alright. I sent a message, but it was empty. There was so much I wished I could say, about what was really happening but I could not. How do you tell someone how bad things really are..
Today I am unsure if I can do anything. I am unsure really how I ended up here. I am unsure if I can do any of this. This job. This is the last. I cant experience this again, if only I could really share how hard last night was. How alone, how scared, how deep I was in the pit. It was the bottom. I dont even know if I can do anything else to be honest. Relationships. All of it. I feel overwelmed. Alone and unsure I can do it. The darkness of bipolar.

dead weed

The dead weed is going to attempt to write through this one. Anxiety is through the roof. i think but i dont really know because everythg is shutting down on me. My hands are shaking uncontrollably almost. My heart is about to pump its way out of my body. I feel sick. Like vomiting is about to happen but i think its becuase my heart is beating so hard and fast. My head there the pain in my face has taken over. the spatula moving its way pushing my brain an eyes. cant talk. nothing. I cand barley keep my eyes open, but i can barley lay down. my body cant rest, im moving on the bed like a catapiller. it s inside me growing under my skin. I cant stop. My pain in my face. I feel anger. Anger that just light a light switch goes on, it took over me. would it help to be held. maybe. would it helpedt to be touched. maybe. Comfort sonething to make me calm. its thrown me so off course.

no smile. I feel emptiness. empty eyes. I know the way through this is to love myself in it. Acceptance. Fuck, fuck fuck. I can see blood pouring from my body. its not really there. Its like a pain thats moving through my body. Wheres the wine, and lots of it. Escape escape.

should have seen this coming. couldntt wipe the smile from my face yesterday. fuck. I know i need to accept but how d you when your world is suddenly dark. can i love myself in this. i have before. but it ws on meds. not so bad

i liight incense.

i look at myself and want to cut my hair. no scissors.

breathe liana breath. someone tell me its going to pass. remind me. Icant see anything.

can i do this again. incense smells good. im beginning to stare. i know cause nothing is coming out anymore. there is just nothing. I can hear the sounds outside but I am far away.

thankful i told my teacher i get so exhausted i need o look after mmyself. but now wishing i could have tthe relationship where he could hold me and let me ccry maybe but not sure if they will come

Frantic I place my gear for hike in piles and find myself rapidly packing, bound to leave behind things I need I shove what I can in my pack. I cant and do this anymore.. darkness getting too hard. I think now it’s easier when I am with people I love. It reminds me if love. To feel. Now by feel nothing. Let this nite pass. Nite emptiness

Didn’t know it was coming.

Its a beautiful life

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Just as on some days its impossible to smile, today its impossible to wipe the smile from my face. No wonder I have ended up here in Nepal. I have been creating it and it makes me wonder more about my destiny. The past few weeks I have been slowly opening myself back up to falling in love with myself again, anxiety, lows and all, and now as we drive through the hectic Kathmandu streets we pass trucks upon trucks all plastered with signs from the universe reminding me of the love in myself and all around me. ‘life is love’….’be love’…..brightly decorated with hot pinks, yellows and blues. All drivers with huge smiles and big sparkly brown and the kindest eyes.
As we drive I ponder Ilkas thoughts on life. Everything in front of us is our own creation. We put everything there. Everything is a reflection of me, of what goes on for me. The past month I have forgotten its meaning and today I am suddenly reminded in my own powers. I find myself questioning it, reflecting on whats gone on lately. I know that if I m accepting of myself I am more accepting of everything else around me. If I am not accepting of the way I am, I am likely to be bitching or affected strongly by the actions and words of those around me. Lacking in compassion for them on their own exhausting journey. We’re all having a crack arent we just? When I love the way I look, I see only the same love in everyone around me, our imperfections making us even more desirable to me. But when I do not, I only see the imperfections. So what then does it mean when what I see is anger, or frustration, or even poverty in front of me. It is a reflection of my own yes? So what do I do with that? Acceptance, that I have put it there, acceptance of myself, love myself, no denial that it is my own? Something I at times totally have a grasp on and on other days are completely lost too. Today I easily see myself everywhere, but today is easier than some of my last days for I am in acceptance and through that seeing the things that make us smile. I accept myself in all that i am, seeing tge beauty that i am and so yes, i see beauty everywhere. Interesting. I hope in the next days when I feel myself hating at someone around me I may pick myself up a little quicker and notice that I’m probably lacking love for my own self and just seeing that everywhere I turn.

It’s been a super long day. But a good one. In reflecting the goodness my kids brought me tea to my bus window on a stop which made me smile. It’s late now, things didn’t go to plan. We are all exhausted by we are all loving, and that’s what makes a difference.

Goodnight my loves xxx

Temple of death

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For me today, life means taking better care of myself so that I can help take better care of you. To be there for you in the best version I can be. To be constant in my self care, taking the time and doing what ever it is thats needed to make me a better operator, to help me continue to shine. No matter what it takes, no matter what road I need to wonder down, whatever turn needs to be taken. It is today that I truly understand to do this, is to live. Ive seen what happens one too many times when my self care becomes last on the list as I deteriorate breaking down like a corpse ever so slowly. Its a slow death, and when it comes it takes a hell of a life force to get the heart beating again. I much prefer a strong beating heart.

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Today as I watched a body burn, its smoke floating through the air filling our lungs I understood what I needed to do. My family and I sat on the steps of the temple of death watching the final stages of the body all thats left after the soul made its final decision to move on. I wonder if that body when it was up and running was choosing to be brave and do all it could to be the best it could be. Arent we all doing the best we can to be that brave person in this life? What kind of a life did it have, did it have room for choice, did it have room to live out its desires, its dreams. I do. My life has been blessed.

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The land of hikers

Im tucked up in bed wearing all of my warm clothes and in my -12 sleeping bag and inside my room in Kathmandu. We havent even started our hike yet, are still sitting at 1200metres above sea level an already Im cold. the days have been refreshing my body wrapped in my downie, in the comfort of my jeans. The kids wonder why Im not in outdoor pants. Just not how I roll these days. Im comfy in my jeans an super happy right nnow that I can also fit my thermal bottoms on underneath. Outdoor Lili style. In just a few days I will be heading higher and getting colder and colder. Brrrrrrrrr. May have to invest in an extra jumper an a hot water bottle. Someone to cuddle would be nice, human touch, two bodies warming eachother, sweating, although its so cold the snow falls outside. Today our guide reported snow in the Annapurna ranges. Fuck its going to be chilly! The thoughts of home and my last mornings at the beach watching the sun rise, drinking coffee. I was warm and I suddenly feel like I could wisk myself back home to snuggle again on that beach with the sun warming my body.

The days are passing quickly already. I woke up today feeling so refreshed and new. I layed in bed for a few moments before I suddenly remembered my new intentions to help get myself back on track again. I felt light in my heart again as I recalled the Wizard telling me of his vision, that everything was going to be ok. That I was going to be ok. I began to take in intentional breathes and reflect on my gratefulness in this life. I am ok.

Breakfast on the roof top. evverywhere in this city there are roof top gardens. they are surrounded by pots of flowers brightening up every corner. Reds, pinks and white petals. Surrounding the sky courtyard are red brick buildings, half looking old and some like they might topple over at any time, all carrying a character that ccouldnt be designed on purpose. Elecrical wires dangle over everything in a mangled mess, its hard to see where they actually lead to or even know if they actually do anything. Kittens are running a stray along the outer rims of the yard waiting to see if someone will leave behind any scraps of breakfast. I look out to the right and see off into the distance the shiloette of the mountains. Today i realise how calm I am and how much I needed to be here. I am returning to myself and i can feel myself beginning to shine again. My core strengthening, my stem taller today. The past thoughts of feeling so fragile again making themselves into distant memories.

Coffee comes out and I let the kids in on my love and my ritual. Coffee. Cant and wont miss the way my day should start. the only thing that comes ever before coffee is sex and so I guess on this trip its going to be coffee. Oh boo! and yay for coffee! Before I know it my kids are sipping coffee trying to get themselves to acquire the bitter taste. funny watching them, they hate it, screw their noses up but sit up all proper like they are 30 or something. I tell em to let it go before they become addicted and end up wanting only it or sex to get out of bed! My perfect day. Sex followed by coffee, or coffee and then sex or christ both!!!!! Great, now Im thinking about sex and I should be getting calm or something and falling asleep. Grrrrrrrrrr mmmmmmm sex.

It can be a really tough day the admin day for kids. Theres a lot of organising for them to do, looking ahead through the entire itinerary and booking everything like accomodation and activities to hit the ground running. A difficult task for most groups and I get it, Im exhausted to and yet here they are, young, next to no experience and yet given a new huge task that has to be completed. This morning I hoped these guys would nail it. They were confident without big fat egos and happy to work with any thing I had given them so far. Our morning past, the hours ticked by and suddenly we were taking off for lunch. These guys were doing it, getting shit organised, making it easy for themselves but mostly, making it easy for me. I had a lot to smile about today. I had thought hard about talking with my teacher Thom about bipolar and my symptoms and my previous stuggles on the expedition past. When we came to chatting about it, it was suddenly clear to me, he didnt need to know about the bipolar but what he did need to know was that we were goiing to rely on eachother to support eachothers arses and do what ever it is we need to do to stop eeither of us becoming exhausted. I sent him off to have some time out while I supported my kids and I made my mental note to be ok to share it when i need time out even if it is constantly me who required it. To stop thinking that I need to be a womann who can do everythinng and be there for everything. I cant. When the afternoon came around I was having an hour to myself to breathe and write. Off to a great start. I had no anxiety, and no fear whatsoevver for what ever was in front of me.

So what do you get when you put a bunch of kids together at dinner who all have green fresh chillies on their plate? A heap of idiots all trying to out do eachother thats what. you can imagine what it was like for the kid who never eats chilly, like ever. I can still see his face and feel the pain. Im quite sure he is still sitting in bed hunched over kicking himself for being sucked in. Idiot. But I love idiots. Fucking funny.

As we walk home I glance around me at all the peopple passing by. There is something so exciting about being here surrounded by these mountains. most people dont get the chance to talk to many other travellers but so many of us are here and here for one reason only, adventure. My memories of my first long solo hike here is as vivid as yesterday. The many kilometers I walked, the energy that fuelled me, the tears that I cried, the laughing, reshaping my days and years that past ahead of it. It fills me with an excitment that makes me question just for a moment what it is I want in life. The thought of heading off into the mountains waking with the rising sun and tackling the days that come make me think of spending more time doing just that. Seeking adventure in the mountains, pushing and challenging myself. I breathe, the moment doesnt last too long anymore. That challenge I have known well and its the feelings I still hold dear to me that fuel my excitement now. Those feelings will always rise within me, something i will always need to feed. But I realise again, thats not really the challenge I crave now, not so much as before. Its a newer adventure I crave, one that I have wanted and been scared off all at the same time for quite some time now. The adventures of family, thats the new adventure I want and I realise again that I am ready. Scared but ready.

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