The light shines in

The wildflower. Her petals reach out towards the sun, can you feel her stretch out as though she would touch the sun rays, joining them, becoming one, and becoming one with all that is. The brilliant light filling her with all she needs to shine and be beautiful. Just as she is. And my god is beauty. Even her scent is carried with the slight breeze. I pleasantly smile, I can smell the jasmine as it is carried away, it is far more pleasing than the scent that anger, sadness and disappointment hold. It is beautiful, it could carry anyone away to a place of calm, to a place of depth, of love.
She has felt her petals dry and withered of late. Is it not enough sun, not enough watering?. Ive tried so hard to get the nutrients she requires right for so long. A little of this and a tad of that. She has been working so hard at it for a long time really, so it is something pure and beautiful and full of relief to feel that it could be another way. She suddenly feels so desirable, delicious, worth tasting. It is sudden that the thought that the bitter wretched smell that has lurked lately could also be an undesirable scent of the past. One that can be left there, hopefully.
I say hopefully, but even as I write it, I can feel it has no power. IT has gone the power. I can’t feel it in my body anymore. Suddenly I feel a burst of excited energy. There is no longer any hope. It is not needed. Hope is something we live for when we feel a possibility, when we hold onto something so tightly, maybe even scared to let something go. All in the hope, in the hope that it would blossom into what hopes are dreamed of. Of what you have been led to believe will transpire and materialise, in divine timing I would say, to myself anyway. Maybe its Devine timing that things will change?
But this time, today I felt it in a way like no other, my time for hope and my time to instead take back all that is mine, my energy, my love for myself and all of life, all of it to come back to me. Within my soul there is no more room for that tiny little thing called hope. All hope has died and I am thankful.
Thankful because its fucking hard, its draining and I have been waiting and poured so much into hope that I feel silly, like a bit fat idiot really, so silly to have hope in people and all their words. And that is it, they are all just words aint they? People are full of words. This is my time of understanding not only on the deepest level than ever before about myself but also about others. Words are just words. And they are right, people get drunk, get lonely, get high, get embarrassed, get horny and what comes out of the their mouths is just talk. Talk, talk, talk. We can all talk, but the truth lays in the action. Can we talk and make action or empty promises that lead us to believe in hope? To want us to push for more, because we see people in their highest version of themselves don’t we, or is it just me? Or is our talk just to simply fill the silence, fill the room, and fill one persons faith, in the hope that words will in doubt turn into the action of promise?
I really do feel like an idiot and I know not to, but as I sit on the other side of hope I see that as my energy has drained out of me little by little, even though I work so hard to preserve it, it has been obvious as well to all those around me. Even as I write that I know to have complete compassion for myself. I choose my path and all of us have our difficulties as we unravel so much on our way. All of us are working so hard to see outside the big picture, to see what is real and what it not. Im just kinda kicking myself that it took me so long to learn what I needed to.
But you know what’s exciting. My petals don’t have to wither and die anymore! I get it. I see it and I no longer have to wake thinking why am I feeling like this. This journey of self discovery has led me down so many paths, that I have discovered so much about myself that I can now sit at this table and smile. Not the kind of smile that is faked and all pleasing to those around me, but the kind where I am smiling so deep inside of me and loving myself so deep inside that I know that it was all worth it. And I couldn’t give two shits about what others think of me anymore anyway!
I needed to walk into my trauma of childhood, I needed to uncover my shadows and I needed to fall in love with all aspects of myself. Its the only way I can actually have a growing, committed, brilliant, empowered, honest and truthful relationships the one that I truly desire with anyone. I am actually thankful for the people who have come into my life who are circling in their own grief of hating themselves and who have used it to try to pull me down, especially when it was an attack on my mental health illness. Who fucking does that by the way? It is because of their own lack self love that they helped me see me, helped me see me clearly and in turn helped me learn to shine. I have been the one to call them in, for this purpose. The funny thing I never thought in a million years that my feelings of unworthiness would become my greatest strengths. It no longer is what finds me cowering in a corner hating myself, it is what brings me out in front of everyone, loving myself. Knowing my hurts of growing up feeling so ugly and worthless has played out in my relationships and all of my life in a certain way until now. It has lurked in the shadows, until now. Until now where I finally understand how to use it to enlighten me, to fuel me, to be the greatest version I can be. Fuck yes, to my greatest version of me!!! And fuck yes and thankful to all the people who have been too scared to work on their own selves, because of your fear, I am more courageous, more inspired, more brilliant than ever before.
But it has taken so much hard work. I have turned over every rock, explored every avenue, every street, turned up to appointments when I have not known what to even say, I have let myself be vulnerable but it has all been worth it because it has brought me back to me. And it turns out I am nothing that I was brought up to believe. All the shit I made up about myself in relation to this and that was all bollocks. Im fucking brilliant. It took me thousands of dollars but it was worth it.
So if I ever find someone on my back again, piggy backing my energy, pretending to play some inauthentic role and trying to pull me back into unworthiness, I will hear and feel what they do and send them love and I will love myself. I will know at once through my all powerful knowing that there is nothing to believe in their rubbish. Then, I will kick you off my back and give you the finger as I walk into the sunset. Glad that once upon a time I had the courage to fight for me, to work it and be and know deeply that I am the greatest version of me that ever existed.