Why is it that in the days before you fly out you can run around and get all organised and still find yourself running around at the very last minute? Wishing I had an extra day up my sleeve but knowing full well I would have just sucked it up like the rest, I was exhausted and I still had two long haul flights before I got anywhere near where I wanted to be. The past couple of weeks had been some of the most interesting I had experienced in some time. Lately I have felt like these veils have been getting lifted off my eyes and have been showing me life in a way that is sending excitment straight up my spine along with a little jolt of anxiety because I know they are also going to make me want to make changes to my life. You know out with the old, in with the new. Vika. Vika my psychologist who sees past all my shit and makes me delve into it, head first. Vika who has helped turn my fears into my powers, my hate of my own darkness, into love. Boy have I dived in, it was a little scary at first but I was more afraid of sitting in my own shit for the rest of my life than jumping in and facing it.
I didnt think in my life time I would ever be writing that I had an embryo transfer done just in the weeks prior to leaving for my overseas adventure. Yep, and you know what in all the time leading up to this decision it never felt right, there was always something lurking in my shadows stopping me, filling me with fear. But when this time came around it was like everything aligned. Although Reuben and I got messed around this way and that throughout the week, it happened and it felt amazing and dammit, it felt so right. For once I sat and was thankful that I had let go of the fear in my heart I had finally discovered what was stopping me from moving forward with both feet into both love and family. It was me, and all my shit. I am no longer shocked at how the human being can be blinded by his own shit as means of protection, even though the blindness causes more unhappiness and emptiness and continuous looping then the daunting task of facing your shit.
As Reuben flew back off to work after a beautiful if not short week together, I walked into my next two weeks with a smile and a new feeling, a new energy that was creating within my body. I could feel it, I cannot explain it but it was happening. Just as I felt the dark night two weeks later. I felt the little seed growing inside me suddenly stop. It was a new energy and I knew it as I had once upon a time felt it long ago. I knew it. It was as clear as day like my own energy was going one way through my body and it suddenly stopped, all engines stopped rolling and then boom, they started up again and went back the other way. I know this night was a new beginning for me. Strange to say when I had one new beginning growing inside me which was suddenly no longer a begining but an end. It was a different new beginning. I looked on from outside my body as I cried that night on the porch and went off to work. Fighting for my respect had drained me in a way that it now still effects me everyday. Im unsure if I have felt too much to heal to move past it. I watch myself from the outside and feel like since that night a new growth has catapulted me two years forward in my life in a way that is making me update all my old stories and beliefs as I realise that I no longer have to walk in them creating the same thing over and over any more. With the loss I realised just how much I had wanted that child and with that also realised just how weak my own boundaries had been, how I had continually found reasons to put myself last through my extreme empathatheic nature and how I could no longer tolerate behaviour that hurt the soul.
I guess what I am carrying somewhere within me is the thought that again, just like 22 years ago that may have been my only chance to do the one thing I have always wanted. To give a life to another through my body and love. Unlike any other gift on earth. And yet just like all those years ago possibly through my own lack of boundaries or bad choices and the energetic force of those around me, I again missed my chance. Those words remind me i am again creating yet another belief that i am not worthy of being a mother, that my own poor choices are the direct relationship between having and not having. Time I let that shit fly and create something more real, more positive and more me. The possiblity is still here and I need to let those beliefs live within this soul of mine if there is to be any chance of my dream becoming my reality.
So you know, I got on with it as the only way forward, made a visit to the wizard and again my world was about to become clearer. If any of you know the wizard and have spent some time in his care, you will know what I mean when I say my world suddenly took on a new spin, a new clarity and when i walked out his door I knew without a doubt that I was stepping into the newer and better version of myself.
With my new sense of self, this energy that was making my bones feel stronger, my body taller and my mind sharper, I suddenly was more than ever ready to board that plane. Advenutre was just around the corner and although I wasnt sure where it was leading me, I knew that it was my way forward.
Wildflower 