Slipping

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

I can no longer see the top of the great big hole, my hands have been slipping. For any one on the outside I am choosing to disconnect, I am choosing to be scattered, I am choosing to be in my low state.  Why when there is so much else happening in the day, so much goodness.  Im not sure anyone knows that it has choosen me and is right now drowning me and yet no one can see it.  They can only judge, my choices apparently.  well thats my own judgement on them I guess.  my own hate reflecting back at me. Why I say to you would anyone choose to choose darkness?  Especially when she is one who sees so much joy.

I have now forgotten what it was to feel well.  The darkness has taken over, I have pushed everyone and everything away and now I am here.

Did I ever feel well I wish to yell to the world around me? What was it like for me? Did I smile? Did I feel light and joy? Can any of you remember because I cannot. The heaviness of bipolar kills you. It is a slow death. It is not the blade that makes the cut. It is the bipolar that takes you to the end. I can see my end, but it is also the faces of those I love who pop up in front of me now who I can see. It is those faces who give me a goal to get through the next minute.  I can see you my friends.  My loves.  I can see you.

They don’t even know it. im staring so hard at them because they are what saves me.

Maybe its even the shame that kills us. This time around I can see my patterns within my friends and my relatinships. The way I shut out everyone, my head dies. Im just surviving. I have no conversation left, just a struggle to get through the day. I feel my connections die, I feel what ever love I had disappear.

Today as I take more medication I also carry the emptiness that maybe I have lost my chance of having my own family. I really fucked things up. My fear stopping me from moving forward into pregnancy.  The instability of my relationship causing me to question if I could do it on my own.  The instability of my relationship causing me to wonder if its worth it.