DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
Walk with me,
You will not feel the depth of the pain
Listen to me,
You will not hear how deep the pain runs
Watch me
You will not see the depth of the pain
Judge me
You will not know the depth of the pain
Leave me
But you will not know the ease of the pain
In the same breath Isolation eases the burden just as it kills me
If you are game do you dare sit beside me.
What would it take of you.
Can you sit beside someone in their darkest hour and not make their darkness your own.
Or will you punch out at them for making you uncomfortable.
Think before you sit
This pain is so heavy I cannot carry someone elses. Not today
My own shame is close to pushing me off the edge.
Choose your words carefully, you may not realise the sting
I can see the blood, the cut. The one that ends it all. I can not see much else though. Two weeks ahead I wish I could, maybe then it would ease the pain. What is the pain, this pain you talk about? It is the feeling of being so overwhelmed I cannot even remember what a piece of joy felt like. An anxiety that is making all of my organs jittery, my gut turning. I want to be sick. Scattered thoughts of nothing in particular. My energy darting from one side to the other. No ambition no desire nothing inside that makes me want to get up and scream to the world IM ALIVE.!!!! The thought of being with my lover or my loved ones or anyone makes me want to hurl. I see I am nothing. I have nothing to contribute. there is nothing. But the thought of them maybe reaching out to me, putting their arms around me, pushing my hair back out of my face and telling me it will be ok…. Now that thought is only a thought. A good one but one that just doesn’t happen. I am alone in this world and in this journey. No one can see whats happening, the only thing people can judge me on is how much im not contributing, how I disappear into the world when it takes over. Anxiety. As if life isn’t hard enough. I am more observant in this phase this time around and I wish I wasn’t. Seeing what I am and knowing there is not much I can do but be in it while I wait for my meds to kick in is all I can do.
It is painful, so painful I do not know if I will make it to see my results. Will the meds take me back to that place where I can operate in a relationship and be happy? To where I had desire to pot and to love and to be and to just enjoy? To that place where I had something to share, and wanted to hear from my friends? Im not a horrible person Im really not. I think about everyone in my life. I may not call, I may not ask you and I am sorry.
I sat at the beach but the sitting became too much. Now Im at home and the thought of doing anything is too much. I want to sleep. To sleep my life away. How can someone who has felt so much love and joy feel nothing.
Where do I belong. How do I escape this. I am more desperate than I ever have been. I am desperately trying to keep my head above the water.
Im better off keeping people away for any accidental pick at me just sends me plummeting further and further down. The shame of being me and having no answer is real.
Wildflower 