DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
Have only just realised I can blog from my phone. What a dick.
And now I sit here at the beginning of the snowy River. It is calm, there is not a breeze in the air.
As for me, I’m in turmoil. My eyes stinging from my tears. My blood is boiling, I’m hot. My mind is chaotic.
I no longer understand if what I see is real. For anyone who has bipolar you will understand. What is real? Everything we feel in its intensity is real until there is someone in front of us telling us it is not. I go from left to right from left to right, juggling my mind of life.
Suddenly I feel like I should end it. All the pain, the emptiness. All the craziness that goes on in my brain, all the not knowing what is real what is not. I can see the blade cutting through me, I can feel the thick velvet blood running and it brings me relief.
With the thoughts of knives cutting into me, I’m suddenly thrown into thoughts I should be on medication. What was I thinking going off meds? I’m crazy without them. What I see and what I feel is it really more than any other human? Or is it just tremendous scam my brain is creating. Quite simply it may just be that I cannot cope. Life is simple alone, I can only Just fight with myself. But it is lonely. Is it worth being in an easier place when being alone is the outcome.
I think I am doing well and then the real world reminds me I am not. I over think, I over feel.
I could not be any more confused. If I can’t seem to make this relationship work. I can’t make anything work. I only want and need to express everything, I want clarity, I want movement, I want to not hold onto things, to let them go and if means expressing them I want to do that. You know talk shit out. Life is full of it. I’m full of it, we all are. Talk it out, and say oh ok, I get you, where you come from.
Wildflower 