Time to let go

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

Shit night sleep. For a teahouse located so close to the mountain of early risers I was surprised again at just how much noise it could hold. Music, talking, vommiting, and great big snot balls emerging from someone residing near me kept me awake as well as the chill that rose up and down my spine. When my alarm went off I was far from ready to face the world. Immediatley my questions arose. How was she? Would I be able to carry her up the mountain this morning? Did any of my words help ease her pain? would she find the energy in her heart to find her smile and her strength?. I made my coffee and wondered down to her room. We had just 15 minutes to be ready for our sunrise walk. I found her in bed. He face told me everything. There was not one blood cell in her body that wanted her to walk today. Unsure what else to do at this time of the morning, I pushed to get her up and ready. Again the group was waiting, and if we didnt leave shortly, getting up early for sunrise would have been a complete waste of time. I pushed, knowing I needed to be gentle, but knew I also needed to be firm or she would never move again.
Finally we were up and again tackling the never ending stairs to heaven, sometimes the only way through the nepalese moutains. My own gut did a turn, I was unsure if I would shit my pants or loose last nights dinner. I felt off. Within the first 3 minutes it was clear as she knelt on the stairs, she would not make it anywhere fast. It was time, time for the group to split they deserved it, to make it to the top and for me to find a way to get her to the top. As my teacher was still feeling a little blue but with energy to get to the top I gave him the lead. I had already been witness to the powerful views ahead and there was enough of something flowing through me to know I could stay and try to help her someway.
I walked directly in front, dragging my feet, breathing in between each step to give her a moment to place her own feet where mine had been. ‘i am strong, with every step i take i get stronger’ my mantra over and over. I put my own head down, I felt defeated as I looked back to see her sitting down back where we first began. How was I going to do this? I had done this before many times, carried kids where they needed to be carried, but usually eventually anyway they would find their own way to feed the positive in them. For her, she was the walk of death, there was nothing in her vision worth walking for. She could not see life and she was far from seeing her own beauty.
It was a long hard morning. What should have taken 45 minutes took us 3 hours. By the time we reached the top where our team waited the sun had long risen. But we had made it, she had made it.
I ran to the otherside of the viewing area to take a moment to breathe. There was no way I could do this and after my sudden low in previous days there was no way I was going to. Two weeks of walking and my fear of another low was enough to show me I needed to put myself first. Afterall, I still had my family of eight other kids to take care of. Not long after as our group waited to get moving onto the next part of our trip the young lady announced that she would not walk any longer. When I knew there was no other way, the plans for evacuation began.