DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
She could barely lift her legs, her body was limp. My student. It was as though her soul had left her body, at only the sweet young age of 16. She was left her to find what little energy she could to make it up the next step. We were surrounded by the himalyan energy the most uplifting of all mountains and yet it was too much for her and with every few steps she would stop. Bending down I looked into her eyes, they are blank. Her soul is crying for help, I can feel her. Her pain is in my gut. After years of learning to observe my own journey through its ups and downs I have learnt to feel those around me, espeically as I hike for days out in the wilderness with a group of teens. Knowing my own energy was lacking I couldn’t help myself but look into her eyes and wish for some of my own power to fill her, to help her move foward. As I looked into her eyes I shared a simple mantra to help her connect to her mind, ‘I am strong, getting stronger with every step I take, I am strong, getting stronger with every step’ I repeated to her. She looked at me blankly and replied ‘no, I can’t’. She looked as though she would fall. As the rest of the group waited patiently ahead eventually she would find the strength to take a few steps but again would fall. She was falling hard and my instinct told me there was so much more going on than just not eating enough, struggling with fitness for the ‘nepalie flat walking’. If you have ever experienced the nepalese mountains you will remember how straight up and down the rocky stairs are. I was walking slower than a snail. My energy barely there. Every few moments directing it to her encouraging her to take a step…’it does get easier, talk yourself into it’. But as the day dragged on, and our team spent so much of their time waiting I knew it was time to dig deep. I questioned her mind, what was going on in there, something was draining her terribly. After spending a litttle time talking to her about my own difficult experiences in life for the first time she looked up at me and I’m sure I saw a flicker in her eyes. Before I knew it she was disclosing stuff that no kid should have on her own shoulders. She had just spent the past two weeks in daily therapy being diagnosed with clinical depression. She was holding the world on her shoulders with no one to share it with. As she talked I felt my own experiences come to life, fuck she had had an abortion just before she came on trek. My own heart connecting to the experience we have both shared and the pain that she carries. Listening to her I felt my own heart bleeding for what she was going through. The list was building. Her heart aching. We spent the rest of the day with her arm linked in mine, me lifting her up with every step. I dont know where my energy came from but im guessing it was the universe responding to our need as the only thing she wanted to do was to lay on the side of the path and never wake up. Fuck today was tough. I had to be her strength, and my own. I dragged her all the way to camp, arriving on dark. I had nothing left and the moment I saw my teacher all I could do was nod and mouth ‘we need to talk’. There was no way I could carry the load this girl handed to me. I opened my own heart with him and felt tears in my own eyes as my own past pain surfaced again. After all these years it was still there and as he put his arms around in comfort we both stood in silence knowing we were about to walk ahead into one difficult journey with no idea of how we would navigate it. Shortly after the poor dude was as pale as a ghost, it was coming out both ends and so Isent him ooff to bed while the rest of the kids and I sat staring at eachother over our dinner. We were all exhausted with not much to say. With our vommiting kids and teacher tucked in bed, I made my last call to check on her and found her fast asleep. Thankful I tucked myself into my own bed just as the teahouse livened up and threatened to keep me awake all night. I begged for sleep to take over me as I tried to keep myself curled up and warm. I fell asleep unsure of what my next day would bring an unsure I was ready to face it.
Wildflower 