A new day

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

We are a few hours into our hike and although my head is still exhausted the worst is behind me. Thankful to be walking, we had our first glimpse of the himilayas. I want to be close to their energy, I want to be the mountain standing tall and strong, its roots going all the way to the core of the earth. Strong, I want to be strong. I can smile a little today. But I am reminded of how tough it is. My lack of words remind me im still not in the clear. The compete blackness that takes over. I become someone else and it scares me. I am frightened of the person I become, of the little control I have. In the moments leading up to crashing, I had been fine. Spent the day out with my beautiful team, riding the crazy streets of Pokhrar. I was so proud of them, two of the girls werent bike riders and yet just showing how incredible they were were happy to put their fears aside and accept the challenge anyway. We had just spent hours riding through crazy streets, loosing a back wheel, breaking chains, changing bikes but thankfully making it to every destination safely. The girls emotional as they confronted their fears. There were tears yes, but they did it. We finished and the kids were keen to head straight out to go canoing. I looked at the time we had an hour an a half to be back for our next meeting an it was already another day almost behind us. The thought of racing out to canoe around a lake was tiring in itself, doing it would send me straight into exhaustion for sure. Spreading things out and getting time for myself was the key to surviving these trips. Already almost impossible to create. I tried to manipulate the team towards heading back as I felt my head and my body. I was tired. Thankful we didnt take the canoing option we went home and I waited paitently for the kids to meet for our meeting. 10 minutes later no one turned up. What was happening? I felt myself start to boil a little, my short fuze suddenly appearing from nowhere. My first sign I was heading somewhere and not to the place of joy. I found them in their rooms working away, getting everything done that was needed. They were legends and yet I was frustrated with them as I had somehow missed that piece of information. How did I miss we were meeting a little later on? Another sign my head was shutting down. I had earlier been hoping to get the chance to call Reuben and looked at the time back in aus. already it was 9pm. I was feeling overwelmed. I did say I would l call this afternoon but already our day had gone. And it disappeared so quickly. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about. I felt full in my own head, needed desperately for a little space in my mind that I could have just for me. Even though I was desperate for some time out from everybody I still found myself running upstairs instead to give him a call. I probably should have left it, my head full and yet for me I knew it meant alot to him to make contact. But already in just the first week so many parts of myself I was putting aside as the days went by, full of my students and the needs off the team. The days just disappear so quickly and there is always so much happening. It was so hard to run it any other way, the first week was about setting our month up and I always felt it was important and necessary to be a part of it with my team. Building our month together. Getting to know eachother. My head was empty, and I was unable to unload anything I wanted to share with him. I was feeling empty, a blank canvas and I should have seen this again as a sign I was about to fall a mile. What I really wanted in this moment was to pull him through the computer screen and snuggle into him and slowly share all the reflection and ideas I had been thinking about since I left. With my lack of brain power and unable to get out what I needed to say I could see that what I was needing was to stop thinking about my love and everyone else. This trip was going brilliantly, the kids were fucking awesome doing everything right, working so well together, communicating, and yet there was nothing I could do to stop the feeling the exhaustion was about to take over.
The need to keep up, so many things to do, kept me moving forward. My presence a little in the future. If I was to be present entirely in this moment I knew exactly what was going on. I was watching it, observing myself but not being truthful to myself. If I was being true to myself what would I do, this trip as with many before I have found myself getting to the end of everyday, totally pooped. I really did look at my day and think how can I change this, get more time for myself. But it was near impossible.
I headed back out to meet our guide and the team for yet another meeting. I introduced myself again and felt my stare. Oh shit. On any normal day I love to look at someone and share to be in the conversation, but when I find myself staring at someone I know that soon I am also about to loose all my words. Their own words I can hear but I cant make out really what they are saying. This is the place where shame begins to grow. If I could move myself through something it would be to let go of the shame I feel as I fall into that state. It has always been difficult that the change occurs so quickly, the process taking me from being one person who is out there in the light to the person who suddenly finds themselves in the darknesss.
I knew this meeting needed to be over with quickly. I was beginning to feel myself disappear into the walls around me. I had so much to explain to the kids, leading up to our trekking phase of expedition life but I could see the beginning of the end. My words disappearing. Starring, unable to get anything out. Its like I can see my words floating around in the sky around me and yet I cannot catch them to use them. I could hear the kids but the the words were so far away, they too were beginning to disappear. I tried hard to explain what they needed to pack, using a jumple of words hoping they got the message. The pain of my shame growing. I tried to let it go but the truth is I just feel like a dick, it takes over so suddenly. I feel like I look at people, and I just loose all connection, I cannot remember their names. I feel so distant. Its hard because it is almost sudden. I feel like one person and then, bang another takes over.
I stayed behind to work with the budget crew when suddenly I felt it. I looked at my kids, the spatula tearing its way down my face. My face draining in that very moment. We stared at eachother I was unable to explain the part of the budget we were working on. My words were drifting around in front of me but I couldnt catch them. I felt ill. I knew I needed to escape and quickly. This was happening at an extreme rate compared to the last low down. All I could say to the kids was Im shutting down, seriously exhausted got to get out of here. My teacher came in and I said the same. With little words explaining I had to excuse myself for the night. I wanted to cry. To run, to cry and to hide.
By the time I walked into my room my heart was pounding so hard. I felt this might be the hardest one yet. I was suddenly overwelmed by the mess of my room, remembering the trek due to start the next day. I layed down for a just a moment to find rest for my painful head, tears began to roll down my face. what was I going to do? I was so low. Shut down. How was I going to pack and get it right? And I was scarred. I knew I needed to msg my whatapp group, my loves. I needed to let someone know to let some of this out of me. To know someone was somewhere thinking of me. I just needed someone to tell me it was going to pass, that I would be alright. I sent a message, but it was empty. There was so much I wished I could say, about what was really happening but I could not. How do you tell someone how bad things really are..
Today I am unsure if I can do anything. I am unsure really how I ended up here. I am unsure if I can do any of this. This job. This is the last. I cant experience this again, if only I could really share how hard last night was. How alone, how scared, how deep I was in the pit. It was the bottom. I dont even know if I can do anything else to be honest. Relationships. All of it. I feel overwelmed. Alone and unsure I can do it. The darkness of bipolar.