DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
The dead weed is going to attempt to write through this one. Anxiety is through the roof. i think but i dont really know because everythg is shutting down on me. My hands are shaking uncontrollably almost. My heart is about to pump its way out of my body. I feel sick. Like vomiting is about to happen but i think its becuase my heart is beating so hard and fast. My head there the pain in my face has taken over. the spatula moving its way pushing my brain an eyes. cant talk. nothing. I cand barley keep my eyes open, but i can barley lay down. my body cant rest, im moving on the bed like a catapiller. it s inside me growing under my skin. I cant stop. My pain in my face. I feel anger. Anger that just light a light switch goes on, it took over me. would it help to be held. maybe. would it helpedt to be touched. maybe. Comfort sonething to make me calm. its thrown me so off course.
no smile. I feel emptiness. empty eyes. I know the way through this is to love myself in it. Acceptance. Fuck, fuck fuck. I can see blood pouring from my body. its not really there. Its like a pain thats moving through my body. Wheres the wine, and lots of it. Escape escape.
should have seen this coming. couldntt wipe the smile from my face yesterday. fuck. I know i need to accept but how d you when your world is suddenly dark. can i love myself in this. i have before. but it ws on meds. not so bad
i liight incense.
i look at myself and want to cut my hair. no scissors.
breathe liana breath. someone tell me its going to pass. remind me. Icant see anything.
can i do this again. incense smells good. im beginning to stare. i know cause nothing is coming out anymore. there is just nothing. I can hear the sounds outside but I am far away.
thankful i told my teacher i get so exhausted i need o look after mmyself. but now wishing i could have tthe relationship where he could hold me and let me ccry maybe but not sure if they will come
Frantic I place my gear for hike in piles and find myself rapidly packing, bound to leave behind things I need I shove what I can in my pack. I cant and do this anymore.. darkness getting too hard. I think now it’s easier when I am with people I love. It reminds me if love. To feel. Now by feel nothing. Let this nite pass. Nite emptiness
Didn’t know it was coming.
Wildflower 