DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
Just as on some days its impossible to smile, today its impossible to wipe the smile from my face. No wonder I have ended up here in Nepal. I have been creating it and it makes me wonder more about my destiny. The past few weeks I have been slowly opening myself back up to falling in love with myself again, anxiety, lows and all, and now as we drive through the hectic Kathmandu streets we pass trucks upon trucks all plastered with signs from the universe reminding me of the love in myself and all around me. ‘life is love’….’be love’…..brightly decorated with hot pinks, yellows and blues. All drivers with huge smiles and big sparkly brown and the kindest eyes.
As we drive I ponder Ilkas thoughts on life. Everything in front of us is our own creation. We put everything there. Everything is a reflection of me, of what goes on for me. The past month I have forgotten its meaning and today I am suddenly reminded in my own powers. I find myself questioning it, reflecting on whats gone on lately. I know that if I m accepting of myself I am more accepting of everything else around me. If I am not accepting of the way I am, I am likely to be bitching or affected strongly by the actions and words of those around me. Lacking in compassion for them on their own exhausting journey. We’re all having a crack arent we just? When I love the way I look, I see only the same love in everyone around me, our imperfections making us even more desirable to me. But when I do not, I only see the imperfections. So what then does it mean when what I see is anger, or frustration, or even poverty in front of me. It is a reflection of my own yes? So what do I do with that? Acceptance, that I have put it there, acceptance of myself, love myself, no denial that it is my own? Something I at times totally have a grasp on and on other days are completely lost too. Today I easily see myself everywhere, but today is easier than some of my last days for I am in acceptance and through that seeing the things that make us smile. I accept myself in all that i am, seeing tge beauty that i am and so yes, i see beauty everywhere. Interesting. I hope in the next days when I feel myself hating at someone around me I may pick myself up a little quicker and notice that I’m probably lacking love for my own self and just seeing that everywhere I turn.
It’s been a super long day. But a good one. In reflecting the goodness my kids brought me tea to my bus window on a stop which made me smile. It’s late now, things didn’t go to plan. We are all exhausted by we are all loving, and that’s what makes a difference.
Goodnight my loves xxx
Wildflower 