DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
Im tucked up in bed wearing all of my warm clothes and in my -12 sleeping bag and inside my room in Kathmandu. We havent even started our hike yet, are still sitting at 1200metres above sea level an already Im cold. the days have been refreshing my body wrapped in my downie, in the comfort of my jeans. The kids wonder why Im not in outdoor pants. Just not how I roll these days. Im comfy in my jeans an super happy right nnow that I can also fit my thermal bottoms on underneath. Outdoor Lili style. In just a few days I will be heading higher and getting colder and colder. Brrrrrrrrr. May have to invest in an extra jumper an a hot water bottle. Someone to cuddle would be nice, human touch, two bodies warming eachother, sweating, although its so cold the snow falls outside. Today our guide reported snow in the Annapurna ranges. Fuck its going to be chilly! The thoughts of home and my last mornings at the beach watching the sun rise, drinking coffee. I was warm and I suddenly feel like I could wisk myself back home to snuggle again on that beach with the sun warming my body.
The days are passing quickly already. I woke up today feeling so refreshed and new. I layed in bed for a few moments before I suddenly remembered my new intentions to help get myself back on track again. I felt light in my heart again as I recalled the Wizard telling me of his vision, that everything was going to be ok. That I was going to be ok. I began to take in intentional breathes and reflect on my gratefulness in this life. I am ok.
Breakfast on the roof top. evverywhere in this city there are roof top gardens. they are surrounded by pots of flowers brightening up every corner. Reds, pinks and white petals. Surrounding the sky courtyard are red brick buildings, half looking old and some like they might topple over at any time, all carrying a character that ccouldnt be designed on purpose. Elecrical wires dangle over everything in a mangled mess, its hard to see where they actually lead to or even know if they actually do anything. Kittens are running a stray along the outer rims of the yard waiting to see if someone will leave behind any scraps of breakfast. I look out to the right and see off into the distance the shiloette of the mountains. Today i realise how calm I am and how much I needed to be here. I am returning to myself and i can feel myself beginning to shine again. My core strengthening, my stem taller today. The past thoughts of feeling so fragile again making themselves into distant memories.
Coffee comes out and I let the kids in on my love and my ritual. Coffee. Cant and wont miss the way my day should start. the only thing that comes ever before coffee is sex and so I guess on this trip its going to be coffee. Oh boo! and yay for coffee! Before I know it my kids are sipping coffee trying to get themselves to acquire the bitter taste. funny watching them, they hate it, screw their noses up but sit up all proper like they are 30 or something. I tell em to let it go before they become addicted and end up wanting only it or sex to get out of bed! My perfect day. Sex followed by coffee, or coffee and then sex or christ both!!!!! Great, now Im thinking about sex and I should be getting calm or something and falling asleep. Grrrrrrrrrr mmmmmmm sex.
It can be a really tough day the admin day for kids. Theres a lot of organising for them to do, looking ahead through the entire itinerary and booking everything like accomodation and activities to hit the ground running. A difficult task for most groups and I get it, Im exhausted to and yet here they are, young, next to no experience and yet given a new huge task that has to be completed. This morning I hoped these guys would nail it. They were confident without big fat egos and happy to work with any thing I had given them so far. Our morning past, the hours ticked by and suddenly we were taking off for lunch. These guys were doing it, getting shit organised, making it easy for themselves but mostly, making it easy for me. I had a lot to smile about today. I had thought hard about talking with my teacher Thom about bipolar and my symptoms and my previous stuggles on the expedition past. When we came to chatting about it, it was suddenly clear to me, he didnt need to know about the bipolar but what he did need to know was that we were goiing to rely on eachother to support eachothers arses and do what ever it is we need to do to stop eeither of us becoming exhausted. I sent him off to have some time out while I supported my kids and I made my mental note to be ok to share it when i need time out even if it is constantly me who required it. To stop thinking that I need to be a womann who can do everythinng and be there for everything. I cant. When the afternoon came around I was having an hour to myself to breathe and write. Off to a great start. I had no anxiety, and no fear whatsoevver for what ever was in front of me.
So what do you get when you put a bunch of kids together at dinner who all have green fresh chillies on their plate? A heap of idiots all trying to out do eachother thats what. you can imagine what it was like for the kid who never eats chilly, like ever. I can still see his face and feel the pain. Im quite sure he is still sitting in bed hunched over kicking himself for being sucked in. Idiot. But I love idiots. Fucking funny.
As we walk home I glance around me at all the peopple passing by. There is something so exciting about being here surrounded by these mountains. most people dont get the chance to talk to many other travellers but so many of us are here and here for one reason only, adventure. My memories of my first long solo hike here is as vivid as yesterday. The many kilometers I walked, the energy that fuelled me, the tears that I cried, the laughing, reshaping my days and years that past ahead of it. It fills me with an excitment that makes me question just for a moment what it is I want in life. The thought of heading off into the mountains waking with the rising sun and tackling the days that come make me think of spending more time doing just that. Seeking adventure in the mountains, pushing and challenging myself. I breathe, the moment doesnt last too long anymore. That challenge I have known well and its the feelings I still hold dear to me that fuel my excitement now. Those feelings will always rise within me, something i will always need to feed. But I realise again, thats not really the challenge I crave now, not so much as before. Its a newer adventure I crave, one that I have wanted and been scared off all at the same time for quite some time now. The adventures of family, thats the new adventure I want and I realise again that I am ready. Scared but ready.
Wildflower 