DISCLAIMER: this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar. I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough. Know that I am ok. Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana
A wildflower seems fitting. Not only do I just love them but right now it fits to describe myself as one. They are beautiful. Most of the time I feel wild and free to roam anywhere, free to be me. Growing in all different directions, all different colours, in all different varieties. And beautiful. I grow in the sunshine. Even when my petals fall I still feel beautiful and free. But sometimes, just sometimes I feel like a weed, the kind that some people see as a pest, something growing out of control, the toxic weed spreading like wildflowers, infecting everyone around me with my ugliness that ouzes out from within. It feels as though my petals all look the same and boring, my stem can’t hold me up in the strong winds, I feel limp and fragile. But this fragile state is so slow in coming that I do not see it creep in. It is quiet and it comes up from behind me, sneaking in and draining me of my goodness.
This was the week of the weed. I can look back now and see the symptoms slowly seeping in but even as I became the observer my strength to hold me disappeared along with the sunshine that explodes from my petals. No matter where I looked I saw nothing beautiful. As crazy as it sounds I didn’t even really see my love fade away until its death was upon me. The slow death was coming and although I was aware that my mental state was sliding there was nothing I could do to stop the confused thoughts of a mental mind from taking over me, breaking me apart from the core. I know it is not me, its the illness as I begin to see life through another lense. One that is not based on reality. My reality becomes foggy as I loose my ability to cope with things, loosing my smile that I love so much and on most other days comes as easy as my breathe.
As I lashed out at my man I knew I was chemically out of balance, my mind creating such dramas. Everything bigger than what it should be. But then again maybe I’m wrong, maybe it is big the issue in my sight. Maybe it’s now I can suddenly see it for what it is. Or maybe, just maybe again its a reflection of me, that I’ve made it into something bigger just because I can no longer cope. My mind feels exhausted and confused. This week hasn’t taken much to push me over the edge. A slow sunday driver, frustrating me so much that the words that escape my mouth and the intensity frighten me. Who is this person? My man’s own frustrations pushing me so far I want only to escape. There is no room in my life for someone elses short fuze when my own is burning so out of control with no relief in sight. I’ve been scared as I observe the person I was turning into. And not one bit of me liking who I was seeing. Any love for myself gone.
Today as I throw down my wizard pills I remind myself to be thankful and remember the past six months and just how good they have been. They have been so dam good. How sorted I have felt. How in control. I have loved me. All the bits that go with it. I have felt something wonderful, something unlike what I are feeling now. But when I get like this its hard to remember how great it has been, its as if everything becomes something so distant, so far away from me that I begin to wonder if it ever really was real. I find myself questioning the weekend past, did I really enjoy myself that much, was it really as wonderful? My wizzards pills and CBD oil have maybe been saving me from destroying myself these past months and today I am thankful. Thankful I have woken and are breathing. Thankful I woke next to someone who has faith in me and is still there even as I try to push him out the door and into my past.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was the day I woke up choosing to be the person I wanted to be. Today I woke up choosing differently. Although I have no control of the imbalance that takes over me, I have control in the acceptance I can have for myself while I experience myself as the dying weed. Today I have accepted my behaviour and the ugliness I have felt in myself and with that comes my freedom. I have a new bag of pills a bottle of CBD and new knowledge that prehaps these two have been my saviour. Along with the self care and joy of having my hands in clay. I have felt again what its like to have no support chemically and I dont want to feel this again. Travelling turned out to be a greater gift in so many ways, again my observations of my soul, one who requires constant self care to keep on top. But not only that but to keep myself in a place where I have something to give. But even with all my observations showing me what I need I know that the darkness can attack me at anytime. I can never be ready for it. Never can be prepared really.
This week of the dying weed I found myself unable to say how scared I was. Fear I was going backwards, loosing my grip on reality. Sad that I was creating a drama and one where I wouuld be left alone in the world, the place where I think things are easier. But I know they are not, rather just lonelier. Im still learning. Learning what it is that I need, knowing when to take the rest that I need and the helping hand. Learning that it is ok to be me. Acceptance.
Finally its time. My bags are packed again. Not well and maybe with a few things missing but Ive done these trips and travelled often enough to know that even if I’m missing something, I can cope. It’s my mind I only have to worry about. As I travel to the airport with my team, I feel the energy of acceptanace take over me. I begin to feel my love radiate out of me. My petals beginning to glow again. Oh I feel like me again! Thank fuck, I have missed myself!
Now I sit back at the airport smiling. There are great big mountains ahead of me. Some of them are going to be easy to climb and others not so much. But I have my people, who walk beside me and never make me feel anything but brilliant in all of my darkness. Thinking of them right now makes me smile. You are my gifts and sharing with you my journey has helped break down so much of the shame I have carried.
Now I am here in Bangkok watching my new group of kids. Eight of them. All eagar, excited and nervous but keeping it to themselves. Maybe a few of them a little scared to share how they are really feeling right now. Why is that we can be scared to share something that all of us experience? feelings? Why can it be so hard to get it out or even to identify how we feel? Is it the shame attached to feeling something that may make us seem not as strong ? Maybe make us feel less than someone else? Im hoping just sharing this blog will help me keep breaking down the shame I carry that pops its head up here and there. These kids have no idea yet, but they are about to get thrown into the fast pace of travel and challenge and with it exhaustion. Pushing them to grow through experience. Learning to make mistakes and how to get back up and keep going. We are all learning, my learning again right now to accept the way I work and not be afraid or ashamed to talk about it and to what I need to do so I can not just survive this trip but really live it. Proud to be me, however my body and mind decide to play.
As my team and I sit talking about some guidelines we could follow to help us look after eachother, I’m excited. The signs of a team who are keen to grow and get the most out of their trip are right in front of me. I’m tired, feeling fried but I’m smiling and ready to board our next flight. Kathmandu here we come!
Wildflower 