The wildflower. Her petals reach out towards the sun, can you feel her stretch out as though she would touch the sun rays, joining them, becoming one, and becoming one with all that is. The brilliant light filling her with all she needs to shine and be beautiful. Just as she is. And my god is beauty. Even her scent is carried with the slight breeze. I pleasantly smile, I can smell the jasmine as it is carried away, it is far more pleasing than the scent that anger, sadness and disappointment hold. It is beautiful, it could carry anyone away to a place of calm, to a place of depth, of love.
She has felt her petals dry and withered of late. Is it not enough sun, not enough watering?. Ive tried so hard to get the nutrients she requires right for so long. A little of this and a tad of that. She has been working so hard at it for a long time really, so it is something pure and beautiful and full of relief to feel that it could be another way. She suddenly feels so desirable, delicious, worth tasting. It is sudden that the thought that the bitter wretched smell that has lurked lately could also be an undesirable scent of the past. One that can be left there, hopefully.
I say hopefully, but even as I write it, I can feel it has no power. IT has gone the power. I can’t feel it in my body anymore. Suddenly I feel a burst of excited energy. There is no longer any hope. It is not needed. Hope is something we live for when we feel a possibility, when we hold onto something so tightly, maybe even scared to let something go. All in the hope, in the hope that it would blossom into what hopes are dreamed of. Of what you have been led to believe will transpire and materialise, in divine timing I would say, to myself anyway. Maybe its Devine timing that things will change?
But this time, today I felt it in a way like no other, my time for hope and my time to instead take back all that is mine, my energy, my love for myself and all of life, all of it to come back to me. Within my soul there is no more room for that tiny little thing called hope. All hope has died and I am thankful.
Thankful because its fucking hard, its draining and I have been waiting and poured so much into hope that I feel silly, like a bit fat idiot really, so silly to have hope in people and all their words. And that is it, they are all just words aint they? People are full of words. This is my time of understanding not only on the deepest level than ever before about myself but also about others. Words are just words. And they are right, people get drunk, get lonely, get high, get embarrassed, get horny and what comes out of the their mouths is just talk. Talk, talk, talk. We can all talk, but the truth lays in the action. Can we talk and make action or empty promises that lead us to believe in hope? To want us to push for more, because we see people in their highest version of themselves don’t we, or is it just me? Or is our talk just to simply fill the silence, fill the room, and fill one persons faith, in the hope that words will in doubt turn into the action of promise?
I really do feel like an idiot and I know not to, but as I sit on the other side of hope I see that as my energy has drained out of me little by little, even though I work so hard to preserve it, it has been obvious as well to all those around me. Even as I write that I know to have complete compassion for myself. I choose my path and all of us have our difficulties as we unravel so much on our way. All of us are working so hard to see outside the big picture, to see what is real and what it not. Im just kinda kicking myself that it took me so long to learn what I needed to.
But you know what’s exciting. My petals don’t have to wither and die anymore! I get it. I see it and I no longer have to wake thinking why am I feeling like this. This journey of self discovery has led me down so many paths, that I have discovered so much about myself that I can now sit at this table and smile. Not the kind of smile that is faked and all pleasing to those around me, but the kind where I am smiling so deep inside of me and loving myself so deep inside that I know that it was all worth it. And I couldn’t give two shits about what others think of me anymore anyway!
I needed to walk into my trauma of childhood, I needed to uncover my shadows and I needed to fall in love with all aspects of myself. Its the only way I can actually have a growing, committed, brilliant, empowered, honest and truthful relationships the one that I truly desire with anyone. I am actually thankful for the people who have come into my life who are circling in their own grief of hating themselves and who have used it to try to pull me down, especially when it was an attack on my mental health illness. Who fucking does that by the way? It is because of their own lack self love that they helped me see me, helped me see me clearly and in turn helped me learn to shine. I have been the one to call them in, for this purpose. The funny thing I never thought in a million years that my feelings of unworthiness would become my greatest strengths. It no longer is what finds me cowering in a corner hating myself, it is what brings me out in front of everyone, loving myself. Knowing my hurts of growing up feeling so ugly and worthless has played out in my relationships and all of my life in a certain way until now. It has lurked in the shadows, until now. Until now where I finally understand how to use it to enlighten me, to fuel me, to be the greatest version I can be. Fuck yes, to my greatest version of me!!! And fuck yes and thankful to all the people who have been too scared to work on their own selves, because of your fear, I am more courageous, more inspired, more brilliant than ever before.
But it has taken so much hard work. I have turned over every rock, explored every avenue, every street, turned up to appointments when I have not known what to even say, I have let myself be vulnerable but it has all been worth it because it has brought me back to me. And it turns out I am nothing that I was brought up to believe. All the shit I made up about myself in relation to this and that was all bollocks. Im fucking brilliant. It took me thousands of dollars but it was worth it.
So if I ever find someone on my back again, piggy backing my energy, pretending to play some inauthentic role and trying to pull me back into unworthiness, I will hear and feel what they do and send them love and I will love myself. I will know at once through my all powerful knowing that there is nothing to believe in their rubbish. Then, I will kick you off my back and give you the finger as I walk into the sunset. Glad that once upon a time I had the courage to fight for me, to work it and be and know deeply that I am the greatest version of me that ever existed.

The feeling of disappointment when you open up your blog and realise you have lost days of blogging.  Shattered, where do I even begin.  So much happens in my life at such a face pace that i can’t even recall for the most part what happened last week. Well , not in any order anyway.  You cant rewrite, well I cant and why I like writing is once its out its out and Im able to move forward quicker in my own mind to whats happening now.  Its my release.  But there was so much in the days that have past that im tempted to have a go.  If only for a moment.

So our trip was destined to start off at the quick pace me running, just as I did when I booked my last minute flight last year only this time I was running for my standby flight, just getting to the door as they were about to shut.  Thankful.  I was not keen on spending the night in Hongkong.  The pace was just about to slow down a hell of a lot as I found myself landing in london with no reuben and no van an no internet.  Where the hell where they? Take a guess, year one Wild girl trip was on repeat.  Maybe.  After spending too much money on a sim and connecting I walked outside, 2 days no sleep up my sleeve and a long way to go to get to my man.  Bumming a cigarette I was in no hurry contemplating sleeping on the side walk for the next eight hours before i attempted the long journey in a hire car.  Spoke with Reuben, proud to say although the van on wheels and our advenutures were to be put on hold for the moment he was keeping his cool.

With no idea on how i was going to find reuben still a few hours drive from where I was heading I smiled knowing that my internal compass would lead me and open me to the world around me.  My phone was flat and after an attempt to pick up a new charger found myself continuing on forward, I could picture myself coming across him at a merge way on the road and my gut was telling me it would happen.

Sure enough sometime later as my eyes peered from side to side looking for the black broken down van a tow truck suddenly appeared to my left.  I beeped my horn windows down yelling like a fool, waving my arms like the italian side in me and zoomed on ahead.  After taking a quicck uturn to get in behind the van I thought the guys would have noticed the psycho who was driving along side them, but it wasnt until the end of a dirt road and when i pulled in behind the truck did reuben realise I had been following close behind.  thankful to my gut for leading the way and again proving the life compass my body holds works brilliantly.  What a gem.

the next few days found us exploring the north western side of england with our cheap ass but deadly race car.  Zooming around tiny cobbled streets, tight corners and no room for the occassional oncoming traffic we found ourselves going between the odd hotel room, late night takeawy and breathing in the brilliant coastline.  My favourite with us always being the nights we find ourselves camping out.  there is something about leaving behind all the city lights, abundance of scattered energies and stagnentation of hotel walls that makes these nights extra special for me.  we leave behind all the aparent ‘shoulds’ in a city and town that haunt us all and leave us with nothing but the beauty of the night sky, a pulled together dinner of whatever we could get our hands on and with that a feeling of presence.  there is nothing we need to be.  There are no answers we need to find, there are no ‘should’ we go that way or ‘should’ we go another way.  we are left to feel how we feel I can feel the relief it brings to all souls.  That day as we walked to find our patch of home, the sun was setting and the surrounding beauty was soaking into me.  I could feel the contentment of the basic life, of the only life that really has ever felt more like home to me.  Peaceful, uplifting.  Although our home was on a slant that had us almost toppling off a cliff side, with our tent flapping so hard through the night all I could hear was reubens snoring and the wind threatening to tear us away.  As the night passed by with little sleep all i could do was keep one eye open watching the pegs about to ripped out of the ground.  But with the hours that past, my heart was open, content and peace continued to fuel my body.

By the morning I was surprised that although it took maybe four times to get up to push the pegs back in,  the tent was still flapping and the ponies were hanging around ready to see us up and moving.  My heaven.  Nature.

Nature followed by a pub in falmouth full of friendly locals all living their usual daily ritual one beer followed by another.  Warm beer by the way.  It was on visiting this pub that we discovered that falmouth was celebrating a beer festival that weekend.  Not my kind of thing Im happy to say, but after spending a night camped in a farmers paddock and feeling the desire for us both to head over and get into it we found ourselves booking a hotel in town.  Only walking involved.

Loss on the point system was dramatic and quick as we drove along to our destination.  I cant even tell you where the points were lost, only that were due to stress, frustration and my inability to sit next to one in it.  exhausted myself we pulled into falmouth, attempted to book into our hotel only to find it more like a dirty horaders home with no one to greet us.  the stress was about to become more as we sat out the front trying to get a refund on our room.  300 bucks later and I checked us into the room next door, ready in my head to do whatever I needed to do to move forward and let go of the drama just past and spend the night venturing out on my own.  I was leaving leaving my man behind unable to carry the load for the day any longer.

A shower, a line, a beer, a tear and sitting naked perched up looking out the bay window, the time past, and the wide valley that stood bewteen us slowly merged and a few hours later with our hearts both on the same page, open, real, sharing the truth of the moment, our lips found eachother and before long we found ourselves drinking beer, gin and dancing to some fun loving easy moving band in tiny pub we happened to stumble upon.  I love that, the feeling of not having to be anywhere and being in the company of someone who can be present feeling the cool air on our faces, not knowing if finally the next pub we would come across would be something worth while.  Or if we were walking the streets just wasting our time.  I am happy to know that sometimes you do stumble upon what you desire and sometimes you are left wanting more but not finding it.  Sometimes you dont find anything and thats ok too.

Just like searching for a decent takeaway and ending up with Maccas.  sometimes its that or nothing.

It wasnt long before I was saying goodbye to reuben as he headed off for work.  was real sweet being able to drop him off at the chopper.  Not something Ive been able to do before, but so lovely to be a part of.  Kissing my love goodbye, I headed off on my own adventure camping out somewhere on the coast.

Why is it that in the days before you fly out you can run around and get all organised and still find yourself running around at the very last minute?  Wishing I had an extra day up my sleeve but knowing full well I would have just sucked it up like the rest, I was exhausted and I still had two long haul flights before I got anywhere near where I wanted to be.  The past couple of weeks had been some of the most interesting I had experienced in some time.  Lately I have felt like these veils have been getting lifted off my eyes and have been showing me life in a way that is sending excitment straight up my spine along with a little jolt of anxiety because I know they are also going to make me want to make changes to my life.  You know out with the old, in with the new.  Vika.  Vika my psychologist who sees past all my shit and makes me delve into it, head first.  Vika who has helped turn my fears into my powers, my hate of my own darkness, into love.  Boy have I dived in, it was a little scary at first but I was more afraid of sitting in my own shit for the rest of my life than jumping in and facing it.

I didnt think in my life time I would ever be writing that I had an embryo transfer done just in the weeks prior to leaving for my overseas adventure.  Yep, and you know what in all the time leading up to this decision it never felt right, there was always something lurking in my shadows stopping me, filling me with fear.  But when this time came around it was like everything aligned.  Although Reuben and I got messed around this way and that throughout the week, it happened and it felt amazing and dammit, it felt so right.  For once I sat and was thankful that I had let go of the fear in my heart I had finally discovered what was stopping me from moving forward with both feet into both love and family.  It was me, and all my shit.  I am no longer shocked at how the human being can be blinded by his own shit as means of protection, even though the blindness causes more unhappiness and emptiness and continuous looping then the daunting task of facing your shit.

As Reuben flew back off to work after a beautiful if not short week together, I walked into my next two weeks with a smile and a new feeling, a new energy that was creating within my body.  I could feel it, I cannot explain it but it was happening.  Just as I felt the dark night two weeks later.  I felt the little seed growing inside me suddenly stop. It was a new energy and I knew it as I had once upon a time felt it long ago.  I knew it.  It was as clear as day like my own energy was going one way through my body and it suddenly stopped, all engines stopped rolling and then boom, they started up again and went back the other way.  I know this night was a new beginning for me.  Strange to say when I had one new beginning growing inside me which was suddenly no longer a begining but an end.  It was a different new beginning.  I looked on from outside my body as I cried that night on the porch and went off to work.  Fighting for my respect had drained me in a way that it now still effects me everyday.  Im unsure if I have felt too much to heal to move past it.  I watch myself from the outside and feel like since that night a new growth has catapulted me two years forward in my life in a way that is making me update all my old stories and beliefs as I realise that I no longer have to walk in them creating the same thing over and over any more.   With the loss I realised just how much I had wanted that child and with that also realised just how weak my own boundaries had been, how I had continually found reasons to put myself last through my extreme empathatheic nature and how I could no longer tolerate behaviour that hurt the soul.

I guess what I am carrying somewhere within me is the thought that again, just like 22 years ago that may have been my only chance to do the one thing I have always wanted.  To give a life to another through my body and love.  Unlike any other gift on earth.  And yet just like all those years ago possibly through my own lack of boundaries or bad choices and the energetic force of those around me, I again missed my chance.  Those words remind me i am again creating yet another belief that i am not worthy of being a mother, that my own poor choices are the direct relationship between having and not having.  Time I let that shit fly and create something more real, more positive and more me.  The possiblity is still here and I need to let those beliefs live within this soul of mine if there is to be any chance of my dream becoming my reality.

So you know, I got on with it as the only way forward, made a visit to the wizard and again my world was about to become clearer.  If any of you know the wizard and have spent some time in his care, you will know what I mean when I say my world suddenly took on a new spin, a new clarity and when i walked out his door I knew without a doubt that I was stepping into the newer and better version of myself.

With my new sense of self, this energy that was making my bones feel stronger, my body taller and my mind sharper, I suddenly was more than ever ready to board that plane.  Advenutre was just around the corner and although I wasnt sure where it was leading me, I knew that it was my way forward.

 

I’m filled with mixed emotions as my mind traces back through the highs and lows of our past adventures.  The highs and lows of my own past, always there clicking away in the back of my mind reminding me of what is a part of me.   Life ey.  Full of them! Ive thought hard leading up to this trip about what learnings I took away from my previous trip careful not to land in the same hot water, especially with my lack of boundaries and this time I am more prepared to fullfill my own soul purpose to keep my feet firmly planted in ground, growing upward and beyond!

Our previous trip saw me laugh and cry and I cant see this trip working out in any other way.  Today I am reminded that how we deal with challenge is the magical key that brings us reasurance, peace, knowing and above all joy.  Afterall, life is one challenge after another, my resilient nature wouldnt be alive without all that has been, and I mean the challenging parts, not the parts where I was surrounded in sweet blooming roses.  I dont think I can even remember what the roses ever smelt like, but I still feel the pain of the challenging times and I am blessed to feel the joy that feeds through me everyday because of it.  With every day that passes Im sure I feel a little more joy everyday, especially in the simple things.  And well I think its true to say for me the tough times that come with my days are getting easier and easier.  Or maybe I just cant be bothered putting so much energy into them any more!

Ive learnt how to get something out of everything eventually and learnt to do it in my style.  With a smile that says, not matter what comes my way, Im ready, standing tall to work my way through it, with a smile and a whole lotta love.  And I got my side kick partner in crime Reuben to face it all with.  What could possibly go wrong?  Would the same challenges present themselves or would the hard work Ive put in over the past year show its fruits and lead me down a new path, one of new challenge.  But thats the point, new challenge.  Im done with the old.  So done.

As the days to my flight got closer.  An overwelming feeling was slowly creeping in.  But I got on with my days at home the idea of travel, new places, culture, life on the road with my man were exciting and calling me.  You see they were calling me, everything about travel, the challenges that you constantly face, not being able to find a campsite, let alone your way or somewhere to eat before you start dreaming of eating the people in front of you.  All of it filling me with excitement.  Ive spent a life time learning to find the joy in a challenge that pushes you in everyway and for me back home sometimes the challenge is just finding the joy in doing something that comes easily, a join in the mundane things, but once I hit the road anything is possible.  Suddenly anything can happen, and that makes me smile.

 

 

Its hard to imagine another year has passed me by.  Good old Facebook, even though I barely touch the thing reminds me as I receive a photo upload from Reuben and I on our Wildride through europe on the wild girl.  This time last year we rode her through France, Spain, Italy, Andorra, and Slovenia, but not before she spent some time sitting on the side of the road not wanting to move at all.  Broken down, just like our new woman, our lady sprinter has and probably alot like we do sometimes as we need to take a break, work on ourselves, rewire the bits that need updating and hit the road roaring again.

Ive definitely done my fair share of sitting on the side of the road, broken down the effects of my mental state and just working out how to be a decent human causing me to shut down from life for a while but while I have never given up on myself to find ways to get myself back to good health and I believe the Lady Sprinter will too.  I aint given up on her, shes got too many adventures in front of her.  So do I.  And boy am I ready.

Looking back over the past year there has been so much change for me.  A total update of myself both inside and out.  Maybe some of you have recognised it, but I feel like Ive stepped into this newer greater more empowered version of myself.  My constant breakdowns and need for repair has left me searching in every corner both inside and outside of myself so desperate in fact to find my own way into deeply loving myself with all my darkness that I have turned over every rock to do it.  every single rock.  Thats desperate right? Theres not a nickle I would have not spent if it needed to in my search nor a limb wouldnt have given if i needed to.  I was the most desperate Ive ever been to work on my shit that I layed out all and bared all.  And boy have I been blessed.

Well I say fuck yeah to my days of being so desperate so close to the edge that it almost took me over, because of that i sit here writing this smiling.  Im smiling because at some stage through the desperation and search i fell in love.  I fell in love with me, in all my darkness.  I wish i could say it was as easy as waking up one morning and BING I was suddenly all ooooh I love you so much, and well to be honest it kind of did happen that way.  But not because of that day that I decided to get up and love the shit out of myself, it was the constant searching and seeking to find answers to get to the bottom of things to work out how I could work better as a human that got me to that great day.  The great work of the teachers the Wizard, Vika and Kerry who came into my life not to mention the wise friends I carry in my pocket and the journey of healing that they lead me on that I will no doubt slowly share with you within my stories as I begin to journey through this again.  But for now this next story of an adventure is about to begin.  And it is starting off with such excitement because of the great journey that has just been for me.  I already know that although I willl still have my ups and downs as my illness still lives whata I have learnt in acceptance and the growth that has occured has already set me up for an advenuture that will have quite a different note.  And that is one of far more joy.  Yep far more joy.

Sadly for the Lady Sprinter although the beginning of her journey began with Reuben working hard to kit her out, her driving journey has been short lived as she sat broken down on the side of the highway.  For her she will look forward to a good old grease up and will end up back on the road again soon but for Reuben and I only time will tell where this sudden hiccup will send us.  But if the last, 20 years have taught me something it’s that life was getting ready to redirect us down a path not planned.  The exciting thing was what was going to be on that path only the universe knows.

 

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

 

I can no longer see the top of the great big hole, my hands have been slipping. For any one on the outside I am choosing to disconnect, I am choosing to be scattered, I am choosing to be in my low state.  Why when there is so much else happening in the day, so much goodness.  Im not sure anyone knows that it has choosen me and is right now drowning me and yet no one can see it.  They can only judge, my choices apparently.  well thats my own judgement on them I guess.  my own hate reflecting back at me. Why I say to you would anyone choose to choose darkness?  Especially when she is one who sees so much joy.

I have now forgotten what it was to feel well.  The darkness has taken over, I have pushed everyone and everything away and now I am here.

Did I ever feel well I wish to yell to the world around me? What was it like for me? Did I smile? Did I feel light and joy? Can any of you remember because I cannot. The heaviness of bipolar kills you. It is a slow death. It is not the blade that makes the cut. It is the bipolar that takes you to the end. I can see my end, but it is also the faces of those I love who pop up in front of me now who I can see. It is those faces who give me a goal to get through the next minute.  I can see you my friends.  My loves.  I can see you.

They don’t even know it. im staring so hard at them because they are what saves me.

Maybe its even the shame that kills us. This time around I can see my patterns within my friends and my relatinships. The way I shut out everyone, my head dies. Im just surviving. I have no conversation left, just a struggle to get through the day. I feel my connections die, I feel what ever love I had disappear.

Today as I take more medication I also carry the emptiness that maybe I have lost my chance of having my own family. I really fucked things up. My fear stopping me from moving forward into pregnancy.  The instability of my relationship causing me to question if I could do it on my own.  The instability of my relationship causing me to wonder if its worth it.

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

 

Walk with me,

You will not feel the depth of the pain

Listen to me,

You will not hear how deep the pain runs

Watch me

You will not see the depth of the pain

Judge me

You will not know the depth of the pain

Leave me

But you will not know the ease of the pain

In the same breath Isolation eases the burden just as it kills me

If you are game do you dare sit beside me.

What would it take of you.

Can you sit beside someone in their darkest hour and not make their darkness your own.

Or will you punch out at them for making you uncomfortable.

Think before you sit

This pain is so heavy I cannot carry someone elses. Not today

My own shame is close to pushing me off the edge.

Choose your words carefully, you may not realise the sting

I can see the blood, the cut. The one that ends it all. I can not see much else though. Two weeks ahead I wish I could, maybe then it would ease the pain. What is the pain, this pain you talk about? It is the feeling of being so overwhelmed I cannot even remember what a piece of joy felt like. An anxiety that is making all of my organs jittery, my gut turning. I want to be sick. Scattered thoughts of nothing in particular. My energy darting from one side to the other. No ambition no desire nothing inside that makes me want to get up and scream to the world IM ALIVE.!!!! The thought of being with my lover or my loved ones or anyone makes me want to hurl.  I see I am nothing.  I have nothing to contribute.  there is nothing.  But the thought of them maybe reaching out to me, putting their arms around me, pushing my hair back out of my face and telling me it will be ok…. Now that thought is only a thought. A good one but one that just doesn’t happen. I am alone in this world and in this journey.   No one can see whats happening, the only thing people can judge me on is how much im not contributing, how I disappear into the world when it takes over.  Anxiety.   As if life isn’t hard enough. I am more observant in this phase this time around and I wish I wasn’t. Seeing what I am and knowing there is not much I can do but be in it while I wait for my meds to kick in is all I can do.

It is painful, so painful I do not know if I will make it to see my results. Will the meds take me back to that place where I can operate in a relationship and be happy? To where I had desire to pot and to love and to be and to just enjoy?  To that place where I had something to share, and wanted to hear from my friends?  Im not a horrible person Im really not.  I think about everyone in my life.  I may not call, I may not ask you and I am sorry.

I sat at the beach but the sitting became too much. Now Im at home and the thought of doing anything is too much. I want to sleep. To sleep my life away. How can someone who has felt so much love and joy feel nothing.

Where do I belong. How do I escape this. I am more desperate than I ever have been. I am desperately trying to keep my head above the water.

Im better off keeping people away for any accidental pick at me just sends me plummeting further and further down.  The shame of being me and having no answer is real.

 

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

 

How do you know when your mental health is going down the drain? You don’t. That’s the thing.  If only we knew.  On my last trip home someone who lost her husband to bipolar told me its important to have a support crew who can see the signs.  At the time I thought it was a good point.  But I also knocked the point back, I didn’t need it.  I was fine.  There was the problem right there, I had already told myself I had no illness and I certainly didn’t see the signs that were slowly creeping in.  I should have saw one that day in fact as I sat there quiet, with my old ugly friend anxiety.  I was right in the place of blaming people around me for it.  When clearly now I see that again it was me.  Fuck now here I am.  Ive gone well and truly down the drain.  No one really really knows whats happening for me except my psychiatrist and maybe Sparkles.  How sad is that.  Thats the thing with bipolar although people may know you are unwell they don’t know the extent of it.  Unless your the one friend who has seen the depths of despair.  Theres only one who has really seen it and I figure she has seen enough for one lifetime already.  For now its up to me to find my way home again.

Maybe there was a bigger reason Jenninfer, my beautiful jennifer was here this weekend. Prior to this weekend her flights were always cancelled.  Im not kidding. Seriously fucked up, it’s like the world did not want her being here. But maybe it was because the world in fact knew it needed her to be here this weekend.  It was saving her up for now. This weekend I was at the end of my tether. And no I could not say that to anyone. Only a doctor can handle that shit.  When I say tether, I mean Im so close to knocking myself off I can taste the blood as it drips out of my veins.

When I past Sparkles during the week. One look at me and she knew. She had seen it before.  No one else has seen the true darkness that takes over.

For One week I was drowning, the weed inside me growing with nothing pretty but the darkness of bipolar taking over spreading, attacking me from every which direction, sucking the life force and any previous memory of happiness along with it.

For two weeks my death was slow, it came, it teased as it subsided. But only too quickly would it come again and attack me when I wasn’t looking. Never before can I remember a time quite like this one.  It became harder and harder to be present with anyone, to be present with my lover.  What I needed was for everyone to just leave me be.  Make me a cuppa but not expect me to be anything, to give anything or to go anywhere.  This expectation is enough to throw me overboard.  My own feelings for myself in the beginning ok as i sit and tell myself its ok, that I’m ok.  But as the days ran into the next my feelings of shame too powerful, coming through and attacking me.  Suddenly my pain becomes more unbearable.

I have ran from place to place. Do I pot? Do I cook? Do I run? Nothing, nothing nothing, I feel nothing.  What do I do, the emptiness of feeling nothing for two weeks was unbearable. I look at my boyfriend and feel nothing. I look at my friends and feel nothing. Just humans, I have no attachment, no emotion to share with. No connection on memories of a past once shared. It may have been joyful but I would not know. As I walked I could see the blood of my darkness on all the walls I passed. Dripping along with my once joyful soul down the drain.

How will I survive this this time around?  How did I end up back here? and if going off medication was the wrong thing for me how am I to have children?  I know life has taken me down a different road than most, yet for me children or the chance to have them.  Its a must or the emptiness of not having them will kill me instead.

 

 

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

 

Have only just realised I can blog from my phone.  What a dick.

And now I sit here at the beginning of the snowy River.  It is calm, there is not a breeze in the air.

As for me, I’m in turmoil.  My eyes stinging from my tears.  My blood is boiling, I’m hot.  My mind is chaotic.

I no longer understand if what I see is real.  For anyone who has bipolar you will understand.  What is real? Everything we feel in its intensity is real until there is someone in front of us telling us it is not. I go from left to right from left to right, juggling my mind of life.

Suddenly I feel like I should end it.  All the pain, the emptiness.  All the craziness that goes on in my brain, all the not knowing  what is real what is not.  I can see the blade cutting through me, I can feel the thick velvet blood running and it brings me relief.

With the thoughts of knives cutting into me, I’m suddenly thrown into thoughts I should be on medication.  What was I thinking going off meds? I’m crazy without them.  What I see and what I feel is it really more than any other human? Or is it just tremendous scam my brain is creating.  Quite simply it may just be that I cannot cope.  Life is simple alone, I can only Just fight with myself.  But it is lonely.  Is it worth being in an easier place when being alone is the outcome.

I think I am doing well and then the real world reminds me I am not.  I over think, I over feel.

I could not be any more confused.  If I can’t seem to make this relationship work.  I can’t make anything work.  I only want and need to express everything, I want clarity, I want movement, I want to not hold onto things, to let them go and if means expressing them I want to do that.  You know talk shit out.  Life is full of it.  I’m full of it, we all are.  Talk it out, and say oh ok, I get you, where you come from.

 

 

DISCLAIMER:  this blog is a method of release for me and with that release i hope to let go of some of the great shame I have held through the years as I have dealt with my mental illness, bipolar.   I hope to also educate whats its like through my journey and to even help others around me learn how to help me when times are tough.  Know that I am ok.  Sometimes the darkness is rough but I want to share it all knowing that i have the help I need and Im finding my way through to the light again. With Love Liana

 

If we dont get dhal bhart for dinner tonight we are going on strike. Im not sure what that means yet, but we shall do it anyway. We are all praying to the nepalese gods. May be be blessed tonight!!!!!! dhal bhart means power!

Nothing else to write, a couple of days left of walking, and everything is super sweet. My family and I are all smiling, tired and ready for the end to be near. But the most beautiful thing is happening right now, we are simply a family, enjoying an adventure together, supporting eachother, loving eachother for all that we are and I cannot stop smiling.

Subabi Honey!!!! my new word do you know what it means? I cannot say it without smiling xoxoxoxo